Metamorphosis

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之前提到Margaret Atwood《女神諭》(Lady Oracle)裡愛情觀，現改談哭的藝術。
女主角Joan Foster是作家。寫的不是經世濟國，如魯西迪（Salman Rushdie）般找死（Rush-die）的政治寓言，亦不是像卡夫卡（Franz Kafka）那類光怪陸離的短篇小說，而是譁眾取寵的哥德式小說（Costume Gothic）。【註】因為好萊塢電影薰陶，加上身旁不乏碧眼金髮同學，Joan雖因身材缺陷（肥胖）而沒談過幾次戀愛，卻說得一口好故事：白馬王子、灰姑娘、未婚生子、為愛逃亡等劇碼，都成為她日後寫作題材。但，不如電影女主角落下晶瑩剔透、規格適中的梨花珍珠淚，Joan每每淚欄杆，哭花了臉、亂了妝。（請想像【櫻桃小丸子】裡美環哭貌。）
Joan是比Vivien Leigh哭得難看，但誰哭得真誠？又，男生有哭的權利嗎？

那晚獨上斷背山，蒼天悠悠、流水潺潺。一切都如此自然。
Ennis與Jack在山裡牧羊，兩人從互不打招呼到天雷勾動地火的那瞬間，竟是如此偶然。斷背山容許這般情感，山下盡是撻伐、壓抑。或許沒有農場主人的望遠鏡，沒有Alma門外一望，這段愛情可以在「異性戀」的掩蓋下生存。也或許斷背山這般田園詩歌，實屬神話。但，當Ennis說這天理不容的愛情，本該忍耐；當Jack跨越美、墨疆界，只為從別的男人身上得到Ennis溫存，我們看到的是Ennis與Jack如何內化、承受「異性戀」宰制。
這世界雖不會因為《斷背山》的演出而全然改觀，但忠誠、道德、律法都在情愛底下動搖。你╱妳能規範，我卻不一定得玩這套遊戲。既然不玩，又何來犯規？
或許你覺得《斷背山》層次豐富，道盡人生酸甜苦辣；或許妳覺得這段同性戀、婚外情不該無限上綱，注定夭折；或許你堅持為愛殉教、放逐，遠離可鄙的人群；或許妳決定棄捨刻骨銘心的愛情，只因它不被祝福。

Deriving from Thomas Malory's Le Morte d'Arthur, the Lady of Shalott, through Lord Alfred Tennyson's rendition, becomes a mythological figure. Confined to an isle upstream from King Arthur's Camelot, she weaves what she sees in the mirror into tapestries. Later on when Pre-Raphaelitism was at its height, "The Lady of Shalott," due to its medieval aura, its tragic beauty, and its artist trope, gained popularity among painters like William Holman Hunt (1827-1910) and John William Waterhouse (1849-1917). While most people read this fictional character as a tragic yet beautiful heroine--Poe's poetic taste indeed--contemporary critics also start to interpret this consummate weaver as a prototype for artistic representation. The tapestry as text(ile) especially attracts feminists, poststructuralists, and postmodernists.
The first painting here was finished by Hunt between 1889 and 1892; it was actually his last major painting recorded. Due to Hunt's failing eyesight, he completed this painting with the help of an assistant. Noticeably, this ornate painting--beyond its iridescent colors--abounds with symbolism. Here the bare-footed Lady of Shalott poses like a deity, her red hair twitching as vigorously as that of the serpentine Medusa. While one critic comments that she is almost hanged by her unrestrained lock--a foreshowing of her later suicide--I am inclined to interpret the hair as an emblem of her creative power. Engrossed in her tapestry, the Lady of Shalott observes her work with a critical eye, her right hand holding the needle which will eventually turn threads into tours de force. Outdoors the field is sunny and serene; indoors she is perfectly in harmony with her medieval setting. Apparently, what Hunt had in mind is an ingenious artist, not a forlorn lover.

W. G. Sebald, who is referred to as the Einstein of memory, devoted himself to the exploration of loss, exile, and emigration in the twentieth century. In Austerlitz, he captures the Holocaust as an indirect witness, a non-Jewish survivior, and a descendant of the German in shame.
In addition to his verbal mastery, I am particularly fascinated by the elusive genre of Austerlitz. It seems that both the narrator and the protagonist Austerlitz are easily transported by images they see, and that their past experiences are not "illuminated"--if you may call their vague recollections illuminations--until they later come across some specific passages or photographs. 

八月二十四號這晚去牧師家吃飯。雖不是第一天離家吃飯，「家鄉菜」這句話從紹軒學長口中說出，竟成了「媽媽的味道」。
用Homemade Cuisine來表示「家鄉菜」其實並不精確，但Homemade這字眼著實點出食物與家的密切關係。所以，在我找到更好的字之前，先原諒我挪用這個字吧。
我要說的不離Chinese foodway、回憶、家鄉等亞美文學一再討論的主題。但當課堂討論的議題跳到現實生活層面，我在乎的不再是authenticity的身份問題，不是誰主誰客的權力拔河，更不是diaspora或melancholy等大論述。我就是想家，不是故鄉的好山好水，是家人。我沒有融不融入密西根的問題，因為連在同一小團體裡，都有分離的危機。我相信亞美文學討論的議題有其文化、種族、政治的考量，但就我目前狀況而言，去管異鄉的台灣小吃有沒有忠於原味、去管台灣人在UM的待遇、去管自己「應該」有的鄉愁，都還太早！
老實說，我還蠻習慣、甚至喜歡這裡的餐點（不乏麵包、蛋、生菜等西式料理）。本來想說拋棄台灣高鹽、高油脂的菜，對我胃腸未嘗不是一件好事（好啦！我抱著可以「減肥」的奢求。不准笑！）。但滿滿一桌的菜，雖都只是家常小炒（茄子、豆芽菜、烤鴨、韭菜煎蛋等），卻蘊含對家鄉的思念。一瞬間，一連串的associations在口裡隨味蕾綻放、化開：台灣菜、台灣、家、媽媽的廚房、餐桌滿滿的菜餚、家人的笑顏。牧師家這桌菜沒有讓我吃到感動地流淚，卻讓我想到出國當天一家人在桃園國際機場吃著休息站壽司的場景……

在寢室待了幾天後，今天決定去中校區參加workshop。
從Island Drive到Michigan Union，原本有公車可以抵達，但因為自己路痴，找不到特定的公車站牌（為什麼站牌不寫號碼？竟也沒路線圖！），在醫院繞了十餘分鐘（很氣派的建築）、問了一個路人（啥？不知道！妳不搭公車！）、翻了翻地圖後（很煩耶！要倒著看。），我被迫發下宏願：從醫院走到Michigan Union。
其實從醫院到中校區並不遠，大概15到20分鐘左右的路程，但這是在熟路情況下的估計。憑著我對自己的認識，當我知道我找不到站牌時，我心裡便吶喊：我又要迷路了！繼大一寒假在澳洲伯斯（Perth）迷路後，我又得再一次迷失在人群裡（Well，這次應該說車陣裡。）眼看著一輛輛往中校區方向的公車經過眼前，卻因為害怕坐錯車、坐過頭，而遲遲不敢揮手攔下……
夏天果然是適合迷路的季節。

How pathetic can one be? 
Keep falling in love and out of love? 
Keep forgiving and forgetting how they hurt you? 
Keep making the same mistake? 

Today I killed an ingenue.
They say she died young.
I am the one to blame. 
Hell to that gory bat.

My heart is a vampire; he sucks blood
from my torso until he surfeits, chokes and spits.
A disguisting scene to see.