孤島－Metamorphosis

我是個很容易受別人影響的人，舉凡室友放的音樂、部落格讀到的文章、電視上看到的新聞，都可以讓我久久陷在某種情緒。雖然我常告訴自己：「你想太多了！」、「你太神經質！」、「你這樣容易得憂鬱症！」，但當我從別人口中聽到這番話時，卻總笑而不答，自己關起房門生悶氣。我承認這是我畢生該修的功課：氣度要大、格局要廣、耐心要足。但這句話背後隱藏的意義為何？事事聽過就算，馬耳東風？做人隨便一點，輕鬆自在？不要鑽牛角尖，自討苦吃？

如果你真寬心自在，又總會覺得我在堅持什麼？囉唆什麼？在乎什麼？

當然，這樣說不是諉過，更不是回馬槍。試想：在一個「很神經質」的人面前質問他「發什麼神經？」，根本於事無補，甚至雪上加霜。這般情緒化字眼，或許說者無心（遑論蓄意），但聽者有意。倘若我真情緒失控，我又怎會選擇摸摸鼻子走人，不跟你大戰三百回合？說到底，是單方面唱獨腳戲成分居多？還是兩人同台不同調？

【八月十八後記】

我後來再想想，這樣措辭「還是」太強烈了。我想說的是，不要給我亂扣帽子。語言有字面與引伸含意，而我偏偏對髒話、罵人的話特別感冒。I tend to take them literally, and I don't need to apologize for this.

當人不能理直氣「和」地批評，非得出口成「髒」時，不是對方容忍到極限，就是修養不夠。我相信對方是前者，所以在道歉之餘，選擇離開。不過，「神經質」、「憂鬱症」這種話還是少說。你不瞭解我，自然不需如此judgmental，劈頭叫我去看病；更不需說些「我已是很會鑽牛角尖的人，怎麼你更嚴重？」或是「被一個神經質的人說神經質，你自己好好想想。」這類傷人的話。There is no measuring for such things, and I refuse to pathologize or victimize myself.

Yes, please put yourself in my shoes, as I would do likewise.

既然選擇不說話，就來讀Matthew Arnold（1822-1888）的詩。

今天想介紹的，不是Arnold在年近三十寫的經典："Dover Beach" (ca. 1851)，而是他更早以前的作品："Isolation, To Marguerite"(1849)與"To Marguerite—Continued"(1849)。詩中感嘆人心宛如小島孤寂，知音難尋，頗適合獨處的bloggers了表自慰。

A lonely island can be estranging and alluring at the same time.

值得注意的是，前詩使用潮水意象，加上疊字技巧，營造「一波未平、一波又起」卻又「無語問滄海」的氛圍。後詩旁徵博引地科知識，頗有十七世紀metaphysical poetry氣味。只是，跟那時John Donne (1572-1631)或Andrew Marvell (1621-1678)等人鼓吹「及時行樂」(carpe diem)的情詩相比，Arnold凸顯空虛寂寞。

另外，前詩結尾將快樂歸因於無知與單純的信念；後詩雖將過錯歸咎上天，卻彰顯「庭院深深深幾許」的無奈。【八月二十四號補遺】這兩論點，我同意，卻不完全認同。我想，Arnold說人是座孤島，不單單因為人人自以為是（或該說：別人看起來「自以為是」），更是因為彼此之間有太多不能說、不敢坦白的隻字片語。這些看似「算計」的deliberate omissions or undertones可能就是造成誤會、「孤島」的元兇。

誤會雖然可惜，但我相信：只要發自善念，就該學著釋懷。既然自己沒有羞辱對方的意味，在解釋、道歉過後，就該學會放下。但放下、不說話、刪掉MSN等動作，不是跟對方斷絕往來。相反的，是換種方式溝通。要知道：人心之距雖如島島相隔之遙，卻可透過夜鶯啼叫互傾互訴(The nightingales divinely sing; / And lovely notes, from shore to shore, / Across the sounds and channels pour—)：部落格是一種夜鶯化身，內心的祝福也是。

因此，在一片淒涼、悲觀的「孤島」心態下，Arnold還是抱持希望的。只是：他不敢奢求希望帶給他一切美好；單純的信念也得靠對方回應才能支撐、共鳴。反過來，將一切歸咎上天，又太過消極。Arnold的「孤島論」，是種自覺，而非自怨自艾或孤芳自賞。在自我表態，但對方卻仍無回應後，他也就只能這樣。

希望您讀完感到一陣通體舒暢，而非沈重地想窩到棉被裡。我的用意在於療傷，而非訴苦。至少，您的孤獨Arnold懂。

隨文附上一些重要字詞的中文翻譯，在「不曲解原文」方針下，方便您閱讀。如有錯誤，請不吝指教、更正。

Isolation, To Marguerite

We are apart; yet, day by day,
I bade my heart more constant [不變的、忠貞不渝的] be.
I bade it keep the world away,
And grow a home for only thee;
Nor feared but thy love likewise grew,
Like mine, each day, more tried [磨練], more true.

The fault [斷層] was grave! I might have known,
What far too soon, alas! I learned—
The heart can bind itself alone,
And faith may oft be unreturned.
Self-swayed our feelings ebb and swell—
Thou lov'st no more—Farewell! Farewell!

Farewell!—and thou, thou lonely heart,
Which never yet without remorse
Even for a moment didst depart
From thy remote and sphered course
To haunt the place where passions reign—
Back to thy solitude again!

Back with the conscious thrill of shame
Which Luna felt, that summer night,
Flash through her pure immortal frame,
When she forsook the starry height
To hang over Endymion's sleep
Upon the pine-grown Latmian steep.
Yet, she, chaste queen, had never proved
How vain a thing is mortal love,
Wandering in Heaven, far removed.
But thou hast long had place to prove
This truth—to prove, and make thine own:
"Thou hast been, shalt be, art, alone."

Or, if not quite alone, yet they
Which touch thee are unmating things—
Ocean and clouds and night and day;
Lorn autumns and triumphant springs;
And life, and others' joy and pain,
And love, if love, of happier men.

Of happier men—for they, at least,
Have dreamed two human hearts might blend
In one, and were through faith released
From isolation without end
Prolonged; nor knew, although not less
Alone than thou, their loneliness.

To Marguerite—Continued

Yes! in the sea of life enisled,
With echoing straits between us thrown,
Dotting the shoreless watery wild,
We mortal millions live alone.
The islands feel the enclasping [緊扣的] flow,
And then their endless bounds they know.
But when the moon their hollows [山谷] lights,
And they are swept by balms of spring,
And in their glens [幽谷], on starry nights,
The nightingales divinely sing;
And lovely notes, from shore to shore,
Across the sounds and channels pour—

Oh! then a longing like despair
Is to their farthest caverns [洞穴] sent;
For surely once, they feel, we were
Parts of a single continent!
Now round us spreads the watery plain—
Oh might our marges [邊] meet again!

Who ordered that their longing's fire
Should be, as soon as kindled, cooled?
Who renders [使得] vain their deep desire?—
A God, a God their severance [分離] ruled!
And bade betwixt their shores to be
The unplumbed [不知深度的], salt, estranging sea.

最後，附上I Capture the Castle電影預告。很難想像原書作者Dodie Smith竟也創作《一零一忠狗》這類童書。或許是我（們）不夠瞭解人性？但這樣的例子在當代文學其實屢見不鮮。

Arnold在水一方；Smith筆下十七歲Cassandra Mortmain 在牆一隅。兩人也算心有靈犀的lonely companions了。